i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
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