just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
