i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
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