i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Randomize
