So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
