i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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