What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
