ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
