I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
