She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Ladies don't puke and tell
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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