Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
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