If i come over, it means nothing
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I need to align my fucking chakras
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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