Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
