I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Randomize
