i just wanna soil my oats bro
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
