It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
