my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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