im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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