I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I just forgot I was standing up.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
