I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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