I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
