I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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