Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
idk, it's all black and i hear low talking...
dude, i think you're in initiation!
shit. that's not good.
its not stalking. its research.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
