I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
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