my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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