Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
