Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Randomize
