just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Are we still banned from the library?
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
