i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
