i may or may not be watching the land before time
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
