we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
