At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Mom said you looked used
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
