so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
