I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
