Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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