youre lurking in front of me
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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