My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
