you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
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