Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Someone signed my nipple.
Randomize
