I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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