Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
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