just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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