Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
