Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
