On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
He felt like a one man threesome
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
