4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Randomize
