I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
He shit in the fireplace
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
