i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Randomize
