Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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