I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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