I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
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