Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
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