you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Randomize
