I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
